Thoughts on a parent's love as we anticipate meeting our new baby girl

I started this post around Mother's Day, when Bri took the kiddos to Tampa Zoo so I could have a "day off" and get some pampering in.  He does this for me for special occasions (and it feels especially good when you're eight or more months pregnant), slowing down the pace of life to almost a stop, to be able to think in slow motion...

Yes, I do realize props to my husband are definitely in order!  He loves me, and cares to continue to grow in knowing me, as we both continually change...

Love this man!!!

So, back to thinking in slow motion...
While I did enjoy my Mother's Day massage quite a lot,  I cannot begin to describe how rejuvenating it was to be able to peacefully take a step back and look at my life from outside of the frame; to turn it slowly on each facet, like a beautifully sculpted  piece of art, and look at the details; to be able to see with the clarity of an early morning after the rain, the crisp details and beautiful reflections of my life as a whole, that escape me mostly during 'everyday living'.  Bri says I always get "nostalgic" when I have time on my own without him and the kids.  I'd say I become a little softer, and a whole lot more thankful for them and the blessings in my life...

Well here I am now, a month later, sitting alone at the kitchen table with my thoughts, while Bri and the kids are out, and once again my mind slows down, and I'm thinking in slow motion.

As I'm anticipating this little baby girl arriving soon, I think of each of my (still) little miracles God has brought into my life..

Luca at 7 years old, with his bright smile and boisterous, adventurous but sweet spirit... I love seeing him as the "big brother"...

Ana, my sweet, beautiful little girl at 3 1/2, who bursts into song and dance on a whim,  growing up too fast....

Levi, at almost 2, funny and feisty, but so loving, coming into his own...

                                      

So as I take time to look back, I remember when I first became a mom.
It was my first time ever feeling this intense connection and love for my child... It blew my mind, and I was afraid I could never again love another child with such passionate all-encompassing love.  Then along came Ana and my heart not just expanded to allow room for extra love,  but it was regrown and rewired all anew - a heart that could hold this all-consuming love for my son and daughter all together.  Levi came along and I wasn't nervous anymore about whether I'd be capable to love as much as before or as intensely.  As babies do, he seamlessly filled that spot in our family that God had created for him in advance.  It's a miraculous thing, this transition.  We get so caught up into the specifics and details that come with preparing for a new baby... rearrange our house, prepare the baby's room, think through schedules and everyday changes, sometimes even lose sleep over things like -- the garage needs an overhaul -- or  -- the family room needs to be changed and reorganized--....

But as I sit here and contemplate this rebirthing of my heart that includes my newest baby girl (almost) ready to meet us, the details flee for a little while and I just know this love, this renewed, ardent love that only expands... And the thought downs on me....

Isn't this the kind of love that God as our Father has for each of us? How does this escape me so many times? 
Yes, I know I am His daughter and that He cares for me and loves me with a never ending love, but somehow, the ardent, passionate, all encompassing aspect of His love for ME as His child eludes me most of the time... He has made His love known to me; He wants me to know it, own it, and take great rest and comfort in it... He wants me to let it define me as HIS OWN, but I mostly don't... I'm like a little child, who runs to mom or dad with her/his little scraped knee or bumped brow, and I gladly take His comfort in the moment, then run off to play again, mostly unaware that His love runs SO MUCH DEEPER than what I needed in that moment to make things right in my world again.

So, as I contemplate holding my baby girl in a matter of days, and having my heart explode again with the passionate love one feels for their child, I pray I can remember to rely on His amazing, GREATER THAN LIFE love for me as His daughter, so that when I go through hard times, or child birth, or exhaustion from sleepless nights, I won't have to "run back" to Him for a bit of comfort to help me keep going, but simply turn my thoughts on Him, having been there, in sweet awareness of His immense love, all along.  

Levi : Joined in harmony

August 12th was supposed to be my baby boy's due date, but he reluctantly made his entrance into our family 9 days ago.

Levi Claudius Emmans was born on August 3rd, 2012, at 7:45 pm, weighing 8 lbs 4 oz and measuring 20 in tall.
 

a few minutes after he was born

We've had this sweet little baby boy home with us for a little over a week and I can't imagine life without him in it anymore.  In our family, much has changed forever.

 

I love the first few weeks in a newborn's life.  In spite of the sleepless nights, the pains of recovering from child birth, the figuring out of the transitions that take place, this is a deeply special time for me.

It's a time for watching my baby sleep peacefully.  A sleeping baby is such a picture of vulnerability, of complete trust and abandon...

I love to talk to him and watch him turn his little face slowly towards my voice... I love to see his eyes look towards me, during the few minutes he is awake each day.  

I love to see him change from day to day - his little features become more defined, his dimples, his ears, his hands , his cheeks...
I love to let him grab my finger or my shirt with his tiny hand, and hold onto it.  I LOVE being his whole world... a world which is rapidly extending.


A huge part of motherhood from here on out will be about him growing into his own, and about me letting go...

But for these first few weeks, I revel in being the palpable answer to most of his needs.. I learn about the exquisite satisfaction of providing for another being, yet again.  I bask in  being a mom. I remember that part of the reason for which I was made was him, my little Levi.

 










 This is also a time to dream about his life, about who he will become, about the paths he will walk and choices he will make.  It is, perhaps most importantly, a time to pray over him.  His life is (for us) an unwritten book, a beautiful book with lots of blank, white pages to be filled.  So I pray for him, and ask God's grace and favor on his life.  I look at his tiny feet,


and ask the Lord to guide his steps; I look at his little hands and ask that they grow and stay strong and busy with the works God prepared in advance his life; I look at his beautiful round baby head and ask that his thoughts be pure, that his mind be a place for whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, excellent and praiseworthy...







  Our Levi is a gift from God and fits into our family's life perfectly...

I love this card we received a couple days ago from Levi's Great Grandmother.  It says:

  "One of the sweetest things about welcoming a new baby boy is learning how you fit together...The way his sleepy weight fills your arms so perfectly and how that place where neck and shoulder meet suddenly seems made for him to snuggle his head into.  But even more than that, it's discovering just how beautifully he fits into your life - how there was always a place right in the heart of your family just waiting for this precious boy to come and fill it with so much love."

And that's what Levi did.  

To My Little Man

Today is a day for thinking. I told Brian I LOVE a chance to be in my head... to let myself think without worrying about the time or things on my to do list, to follow my train of thought all the way to the end.  It's a rare and special treat.

 We have decided on our baby boy's name. It is exciting to think of him by name. No, I won't write it here, I'd rather announce it when he comes... I've always liked not finding out the gender, but that isn't always the most practical thing to do.. So I think that keeping the name a secret is a good compromise and will add to the element of surprise. :) It's a strange kind of feeling to be so close to someone, to feel him, think of him, care about him, make room in your life for him, and yet, to not be able to imagine what he looks like... It's like looking through a dark mirror and not seeing any details.. I think our imagination fills in the blanks, and that's enough for now, but oh I look forward to the moment when it'll be time to hold him, and look in his little face.. What a special gift to receive at a specific time appointed by God...

As Luca and Ana are both napping today (doesn't happen often), the house is eerily quiet and I found myself talking to my little man in my head.  He makes sure to let me know constantly that he is right here, very close, and loves to kick and flip and stretch and move.

So here is what I was "telling" him:

Dear Little Man,

          How sweet it is to hold you this close now, to think about you and talk to you... I am so excited to see you very soon, to look into your little eyes and cuddle you close, and talk and sing to you, and hold  your tiny face in my hands, and listen to you, and watch you sleep.. 

One of my biggest desires is to be a better mom for you and your brother and sister each day; to let God teach me how to show you what a good God He is, and just how deeply and profoundly He loves you.. I pray all the time that you would get to know Him intimately and be His child and His friend...

          Oh and you have a really fun Daddy here who can't wait to meet you, hold you, play with you and make you giggle, and let you fall asleep on his left shoulder :)  He's been wanting you and dreaming about you for a long long time...  He will probably be the very first person to hold you in our world. 

          And just wait till you meet the greatest big brother and sister ever!  They talk about you every day, feel you move, pray for you to grow big and strong, healthy and kind and handsome, and to love God and people... They plan all kinds of fun stuff to do with you.  

         Luca will teach you how to play soccer, and how to wrestle, and take care of you and protect you at the playground, and Ana will definitely hover over you so you never miss your paci or your bottle, or your blanket.. :)  She will ask you if your "tummy huhts?" and give you kisses and hugs, and sing to you "Nani, Puișor".. :)  

          We are all SO happy you're a part of our family... Soon, very soon, when that special day comes, we will be ready sweet boy.

                                                                  

                                                                                                           Mommy

Oh and before I forget, here's what we look like now, as we anticipate your arrival:

35 and counting

When I was in my 20s, I thought 35 was OLD. Couldn't truly imagine myself there.  And then I blinked and here I am, a fresh new 35 year old who doesn't feel one year past 25 on the inside.
I was asking myself... what have I done that is truly worth while during these 35 years..  and if I did come up with some answers, how quantifiable would those answers be? 

Well, I couldn't spend all day in introspection mode.. after all, I do have an almost 5 year old and an almost  1 1/2 year old, so anything introspective happens late at night or early in the morning only, but I did realize something.  Every day I have, everyone of these approximately 12,785 days have been given to me one by one, with a new set of promises each morning... I know for a fact I have squandered some of them... but when I look at my sweet kids, a great man to call me his best friend and his love, and a hope for a plan and a future because of a very real Savior, the numbers fade and I resolve to take each day at a time, without looking at the numbers too much.  Each day comes with its own potential, it's own kind of currency that expires at the end of it.  Can't save the days, bank the days, or use the days later. 
So I resolve to use them as they are given, to the best of my ability, for something significant in some way, something that carries eternal value, even though that's hardly measurable.  There will be no graph with an ascending curb line, no growth chart, no bottom line to add to, for me to keep track of any sort of progress, and I'm ok with that.. Someone is aware, and watching, and prompting, and cheering me on, and when I finish the race, I hope to hear "well done... good and faithful servant". 

And on a day like this, let me tell you, it's not that hard to get perspective.  Here are some of my reasons to live and smile and get up each day and start over again:

This man right here.

He still can make me laugh like no one else can...

These sweets, especially when I come home from a really fun date, and find these "gifts" they made for me (props to Chelsea who indulged them):

Today is the day...

I've been looking forward to sharing this, and what better day than today!
I have kept this off FB on purpose, but by now, basically everyone I run into around here (as in Orlando) knows we are expecting.  Can't really keep it a secret for too long if you know what I mean :)
Well, what we are finding out today is that we are having a  ************!

Stay tuned.  I'll let Luca tell you, since he will be the first one to find out.

Drum roll pleeeease.....
Click here:
It's a....

Pentru Mămicuţa

I miss Mămicuţa, my sweet Grandma in Romania, so I used Shutterfly to make this photobook for her, since she always asks me to send her copies of the pics I take while visiting.  This is mainly a recap of our visit with her back in August.   

Click here to view this photo book larger

Click here to create your own Shutterfly photo book.

First Day of Preschool

Ready for school 

Today is Luca's first day of preschool.  I've know this day was coming for a long time, but this morning when he came out of his bedroom with a delightful bedhead and a quiet smile, I felt like the day caught me by surprise.  Don't get me wrong - his backpack was packed, his lunch made, and we had finished his "homework" that he proudly displays (a "Packed with stuff about Me" picture)...  and I still feel like today just sort of snuck up on me.  How can my first baby be ready for school??
He's been ready though.  For a long time.  Ready to jump in there and brave the world of preschool.
His one (little) concern a few days ago had been What if they play a game that I don't know? 
     Now, for all you moms out there, I admit that watching him walk in there and sit down in his chair, then say good bye to us and jump right into the world of school without looking back, my breath caught a little.
I'm home now, Ana's napping, and my house feels eerily quiet without him running around.  I found myself praying for him throughout my day, and started wondering if I made the most of every day I had him with me, if I hugged and kissed him every chance I had, and while at this, asked forgiveness for all the times I've yelled at him or lost my patience for silly little things.
They do grow up so fast... and I guess learning to let go feels like this.  I've got much more of that coming my way I'm sure.
     Either way, this is a great new stage for my sweet little boy all grown up, and I am excited for him. Today we celebrate this new beginning. Next thing you know, he'll be headed out to college...